Jesus commanded, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39.) The words “as yourself” trouble me. I have preached about the importance of loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else? But Jesus also said: “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” So, are you supposed to deny yourself or love yourself?

I have struggled with the problem for a long time. Is self-love good or bad? I found a way out of this dilemma in Thomas Merton’s book The Cistercian Fathers and Their Monastic Theology. “The first degree of love – in which man loves himself for his own sake – is a natural love which is well-ordered, which is capable of being elevated by grace. Below the first degree is the disordered love of man for himself . . . self will”. (p. 121)

Well-ordered or healthy self-love is when we do things that are good for us. For example, eating sensibly is good. Eating our veggies is healthy self-love. Disordered or unhealthy self-love is when we do things that are bad for us. Eating a gallon of chocolate-chip ice cream is unhealthy and thus disordered self-love.

We confuse self-will with self-love. We figure doing anything we want must be loving ourselves, but it isn’t. Choosing what is harmful to ourselves is not healthy self-love. Only choosing to do what is good for ourselves results in proper self-love.

When we have healthy self-love, God’s grace can move us to love others.

Read Matthew 22:34-40 and remember: God loves YOU unconditionally.

Wayne